Looking Forward, Looking Back

Like everyone reading this post, 2020 was not at all what I expected it to be – not that I had a very clear notion of how the year would unfold in the first place. However, I can safely say that, at this time last year, I did not imagine we'd be living through a once-in-a-century global pandemic that would upend or otherwise alter some many of the things we take for granted. On a more personal level, I did not imagine that I would be returning to this blog after a nearly eight year absence or that the response to my return would be so overwhelmingly positive. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the innumerable kind words and well wishes I've received since August. They have buoyed my spirits more than I can express and that has helped me immeasurably during the second half of the past year, as the weeks and months wore on and I despaired of things ever returning to what I might recognize as normal.

The truth is, despite regular encouragement from many, I had no intention of ever returning to Grognardia. When asked, I would typically explain that, much as I missed writing it, the blog was, in many ways, a reflection of my mind and thinking at a particular time in my life and that, being in a different mental space now, I'm not sure I could revive it, even if I wanted to do so – and I wasn't sure I did. My original run on Grognardia, while productive in many ways, coincided with a time in my life that was from happy one and among the bitter fruits of that unhappiness were myriad poor decisions that nearly destroyed me. Fortunately, thanks in no small part to the love and kindness of family, friends, and colleagues, I made it to the other side, humbled but intact. 

In the time between December 2012 and August of 2020, I was still involved in the hobby, though in a much more low key – and less public – way. It was during this period, for example, that I began my House of Worms Empire of the Petal Throne campaign, which will celebrate its six-year anniversary at the beginning of March, with four of the original six players still involved (and joined by three other regular players and many more occasional "guest stars"). It was also during this period that I made my first foray into the world of fanzine publishing with The Excellent Travelling Volume, a great deal of whose content has been generated by the House of Worms campaign. The 'zine has been well received in the world of Tékumel fandom and, while I continue to wrestle with the obstacles of being a micro-publisher producing a niche product for a very small audience, I nevertheless consider this to be one of the highlights of my time as a RPG writer.

Indeed, my work on The Excellent Travelling Volume is what likely planted the first serious seeds in my head of returning to Grognardia. I enjoyed (for the most part) interacting with Tékumel fans around the globe, as well as the process of acquiring illustrations, working with my superb layout artist, and dealing with the perils of printing and postage – the latter two especially perilous during 2020. After producing a dozen issues of the 'zine, I was itching to do more and knew it, but what form that "more" would take I did not yet know. It wasn't until I encountered Mörk Borg at the suggestion of a local friend that I finally received the mental kick in the pants needed to blog once again. Even in retrospect, I still can't completely explain why his weird little Swedish RPG got me to do something I'd more or less vowed never to do. 

To say that I was apprehensive when I pushed "publish" on that review last August is an understatement. Moments after doing it, I was sure I'd made a terrible mistake and that I'd regret having foolishly let my enthusiasm get the better of me. As it turned out, that snap decision – I literally wrote the review and posted it in one fell swoop with no thought beforehand – was the right way and I was very soon deluged with congratulatory and encouraging emails, which, as it turns out, was just what I needed nearly half a year into our current circumstances. If many of my emails are to be believed, it was also what a lot of others needed too. I can't tell you how many people thanked me for blogging again, saying it was a vital pick-me-up in the midst of a tumultuous time.

Reading that did my heart good and filled me with so much energy and enthusiasm that I wrote like a madman during September and October, producing more posts in those months than any in the entire history of this blog. Such a pace was not sustainable, of course, and I slowed down somewhat in November and greatly in December. I recognized that, if I even attempted to keep writing four or five posts every day, I'd burn myself out and that's not what I wanted at all. I'm still trying to find my footing, figuring out the "proper" rate at which to post. Though my general rule is "post when you have something to say," I also know well the importance of having a schedule. 

All that said, it's good to be blogging again and I'm hopeful of striking the right balance between writing to the point of exhaustion and being so lackadaisical that I don't write on a regular basis. I'm fortunate in having several series of posts that provide an obvious structure for my posts. There's also my Urheim project, to which I need to return, though that represents unique challenges in terms of presentation that I'm working to overcome (chiefly the need for artwork, which is partially subsidized by my generous patrons). I also plan to continue interviewing notable figures from the history of the hobby, but those interviews can take a lot of time and effort, so their appearances are unpredictable. 

I've had better years than 2020 – I've also had far worse ones – but it also marked my return to doing something I love: blogging. I won't even attempt to predict what 2021 holds, only that I plan to continue doing what I've been doing here over these last few months. With luck, I'll settle into a rhythm that's both satisfying and sustainable. Until, I beg your continued indulgence and once again thank everyone who's taken the time to send me words of thanks and encouragement. They mean a great deal to me and I consider myself blessed to have such generous readers.