Despite having refereed roleplaying games for more than four decades, I still suffer from what can only be described as stage fright. It’s not a new affliction. In fact, if I’m honest, I think I’ve felt it for most of my life as a referee and it hasn’t diminished much with time or experience. At the moment, I’m running three separate campaigns: House of Worms, Barrett's Raiders, and Dolmenwood. The first has lasted more than a decade, the second is entering its middle years, and the third is still in its relatively early stages. Yet, with each of them, without fail, I feel a familiar anxiety in the hours (and sometimes days) before every session.
My fear isn’t so much that I’ll “do it wrong” in some technical sense. It’s more that I’ll let my players down – that I’ll fail to be imaginative, that I won’t keep the game engaging, or that I’ll be caught flatfooted, like a deer in the headlights, with no idea what to do next. Mind you, my players aren’t strangers. In most cases, I’ve known my players for years, sometimes decades. They’re friends and long-time collaborators in this shared hobby of ours. Despite this, the fear persists: that I’m wasting their time, that the spell will break, and the game will sputter out.
The irony is that this fear tends to fade during the session itself. Once the game begins, once I see the players reacting, asking questions, scheming, laughing, I usually – usually – find myself caught up in the moment. The game world takes over and real-world anxieties fade into the background. But before the session (and sometimes afterward)? That’s when the doubt creeps in.
Fridays, for example, are often my most relaxed days of the week, not because of anything inherent to Friday, but because they’re farthest from my next scheduled session. I run games on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursdays, which means that, by Saturday, an internal countdown has already begun. The butterflies stir. I start second-guessing myself. Do I have any idea how I’m going to handle what may happen next?
To some extent, this isn’t really about preparation, at least not in the usual sense. I’ve long admitted that I’m a lazy referee. I don’t spend hours poring over notes or crafting detailed plans. Most of my prep consists of a few scribbled bullet points, some half-formed ideas, and a handful of hopeful notions about what might happen. I suspect that’s partly a defense mechanism. Too much planning stresses me out and tends to make me rigid at the table. I’ve learned that, for me, the best sessions are the ones where I stay loose and follow the players’ lead. Improvisation keeps me responsive. It keeps things alive.
Improvisation also leaves me exposed. When you haven’t mapped out every possibility, it’s easy to feel unready or worse, like you’ve been caught bluffing. Maybe that’s the root of the stage fright. It's the sense that I’ll be found wanting, that I’ll freeze up, that I’ll have nothing of value to offer when it matters most. I sometimes think there’s an unspoken belief that veteran referees, especially those with a lot of campaigns under their belt, must always feel confident in their role. To some degree, I do. I’ve run a lot of sessions that my players have told me they enjoyed. I’ve done this for a long time. I know I can do it.
Of course, knowing and believing in the moment are two very different things.
I'm sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. I suspect many long-time referees harbor similar doubts but rarely speak them aloud. In a sense, we’re all performers. Our "stage" is small, our "scripts" unwritten, and our "audience" made up of fellow performers who are just as invested as we are. Like all performers, we fear falling short, letting others down, not being good enough.
I’ve reluctantly come to accept this fear as just part of the process. I can’t say I enjoy it, but I’ve learned to live with it. If nothing else, it’s a reminder that what we do at the table matters. It matters to our players, certainly, but it matters just as much to us. We care. We want to do a good job, because the shared world we build with our friends is worth the effort and, yes, even the worry.
I also feel that anxiety, or a close cousin to it. Mine is coupled with a conviction *after the game* that what I have just been doing for the last three or four hours has been boring, scrappy, and un-fun for my players, which then rolls in and adds to the anxiety for the next session.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. 30 years as a litigation attorney and I still get nervous every time I appear before a judge or jury. It goes away when I actually start talking (whether I'm doing well or not, oddly) but it's definitely a thing, and it's got nothing to do with my level of preparation.
ReplyDeleteOut of curiosity, have you ever had a refereeing session really badly? Like, so completely off the rails that you still cringe?
While I don't necessarily feel that way when I DM an RPG, I most certainly do feel that way when I teach my weekly class at the local university. Your post exactly sums up the anxiety I feel about teaching a college level course - just change all your references of "refereeing" to "teaching" and you've hit it on the head! It's funny how even though I have been teaching for years, I still have some self-doubt both before and after the classes - part of human nature I guess. At least we can adapt and deal with it, even if it never quite goes away. My heart goes out to those who are absolutely crippled by things like this.
ReplyDeleteSir Laurence Olivier suffered from stage fright. We're in good company.
ReplyDeleteThat is very interesting. I found for me, that the first time I refereed a game of D&D was the first time I had ever experienced doing anything with other people where I did not have stage fright. Not then, nor even once since then. I was someone that could not get up and do a book report in front of the class except under extreme duress from the teacher and then it was a very difficult experience. Refereeing D&D was the first thing I ever did where I experienced total confidence from the very beginning and over the years that seeped over into all other areas of my life. In fact, refereeing D&D for four years in college (75-79), was the bridge that enabled me to even do my first post college job, which partly involved interacting with executives in the companies I dealt with. I went from severe stage fright in any social situation to now 50 years later to almost none in any setting. Refereeing D&D is the completely safe place that gave me a starting point. Even better, I have been able to use D&D help other people develop confidence.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best pieces of advice I ever got came from one of my grad school mentors, who told me that the day you’re not nervous when you step in front of a class is the day you should retire. Good nerves are good! It means you care.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one. For me it isn't quite stage fright so much as a build-up of worry that I'm not doing things right, or forgetting important stuff from previous sessions or don't know the rules well enough. These days I am better at recognising it and understanding that it is not rational, and once the session gets going it will ease off.
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