Conan vs. Wolverine

If, after seeing pimp Conan, Conan the would-be God of Thunder, and Conan fighting beside Elric, you thought it couldn't get any stranger, you don't know Marvel Comics. In August 1990, they released What If Wolverine Battled Conan the Barbarian? and it is, if I do say so myself, the weirdest of all the Conan cross-overs Marvel concocted. I say that because it not only involves Wolverine being thrown back into the Hyborian Age by the Watcher (he wants to teach Logan a lesson after attempting to meddle with history concerning the death of Jean Grey/Phoenix) so that he can go toe-to-toe with the Cimmerian, it also involves Wolverine besting Red Sonja in combat and we all know what that means. But I get ahead of myself, so let's start from the beginning.

Upon arriving in the Hyborian Age, Wolverine quickly impresses Karanthes, priest of Ibis, with his martial skills. Karanthes sends Wolverine to a city to await his return, when perhaps they might be able to work together. Having nothing better to do, Wolverine complies and heads off, mugging a drunk for some local clothes along the way. He also runs into Red Sonja, who, for some reason, he thinks is Jean Grey. Sonja, as it turns out, is working with Karanthes and mistakes Wolverine for a spy, so she draws her sword to teach him a lesson. This convinces Wolverine that Sonja isn't Jean as he'd thought, so he then decides the best thing to do is to teach her a lesson. This he does, beating her in single combat. Yes, that's right: Wolverine defeats Red Sonja and thus her oath to Scáthach kicks in, as you can see:
Meanwhile, Conan is drowning his sorrows after the death of Belît by drinking and wenching, when he runs into the wizard Zukala. You may remember him from the Conan meets Elric comic. Anyway, Zukala has a deal for Conan. If he brings him Karanthes and Red Sonja, he'll bring his love back from the dead.

For some reason, Conan agrees to this deal and then promptly kicks Wolverine's butt, leaving him to die, while taking Karanthes and Sonja captive. Of course, as we all know, Wolverine pretty much can't die and he heals himself, seeking to find Conan and free Karanthes and especially Sonja, for whom he's developed feelings. (For what it's worth, Red seems to feel something for Logan too, what with him not ravishing her and all even though he defeated her in single combat).

As it turns out, to bring Belît back from the dead, Zukala needs to sacrifice Red Sonja, but Conan seems OK with that. Or something. Wolverine decidedly isn't and he and the Cimmerian get in a tussle.

This time, Wolverine deals a serious beat-down on Conan, even cutting off his right hand with his adamantium claws.

Conan then sticks his severed arm into some nearby burning coals to cauterize his grievous wound and this seems to clear his head. He decides that sacrificing Red Sonja might not be a good thing after all and he turns on Zukala. Of course, being a powerful wizard, he has a plan. First, he opens a portal back to the future, so that he can get rid of Wolverine. Second, he summons a demon to fight Conan. What he didn't count on was that Karanthes possesses a magic rod that allows him to banish demons, which Wolverine promptly uses to get rid of the beastie. In the chaos, though, Conan gets knocked into the portal, traveling to the future, where he arrives just at a crucial point in time to screw things up for the X-Men during the Dark Phoenix storyline.

And Wolverine? He remains in the Hyborian Age, hooks up with Sonja, and eventually becomes ruler of Aquilonia with her.

As I said, I think this is probably the weirdest of all the Conan cross-over comics, because it relies heavily on Conan not behaving like Conan, even the Marvel Conan, never mind the real one. Plus, let's be honest: there's no way Conan would ever lose to a punk like Wolverine.