Friday, May 11, 2012

Open Friday: Real, Fun Quotes

I wanted something fun for today's Open Friday question, so here it is: what's the most amusing in character quote you can remember from a game session? To make it a little more challenging, let me stipulate that I'm looking for quotes that can be enjoyed without any context. So, all I want is a quote without any setup or explanation.

For example, here's one I'll never forget:
"Chim-pan-zees wan-na be free!"

91 comments:

  1. "Well, a mine is a terrible thing to waste..."

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  2. Come witness the tender mercies of the Atrayan justice system.

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  3. Don't be  fool - give me the tortoise

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  4. Zzarchov KowolskiMay 11, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    "Looks like he's between that rock and a bard place"
    5 seconds of silence
    "Because I'm a bard , get it?"

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  5. "I finally comprehend that I am dead."

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  6. "I could kill it, but then what would we eat?"

    Spoken by Twinderf the Halfling in the middle of a debate when we found a cow that in the entryway of a cavern complex. Someone in the party proposed we take the cow back to town, sell it, and use the cash to hit the tavern. But the party leader was sure it was trick and wanted to attack the cow--he was convinced it was polymorphed or an illusion or something.

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  7. "You don't think that thing was keeping the corpses asleep, do you?"

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  8. "Which way do we go?"
    "Not the way the elf died."

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  9. in bad Creole French accent: "Aun haunh haunh, I think he laaaahk youuuuu."

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  10. I find your lack of faith disturbing...

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  11. "Have a cookie! They're disintegrate flavour!"

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  12. Greyhawk GrognardMay 11, 2012 at 11:05 AM

    "Yeah she's a pretty girl. Who's all full of DEMON!"

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  13. "I throw milk at the barbarian!"

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  14. "So, is it time for the Poor Man's Plane Shift?"

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  15. The grass wins the initiative.

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  16. ".38 special is not a small calibre. It's just a calibre that means you might be able recognise the guy afterwards."

    "Could we just once, have a recce that doesn't turn into a full fledged assault because we were too bored to go back to base?"

    [Game set in 1776: on being asked if they wished to recognise the infant United States]
    "Yes, but what proof do we have that this "New World" even exists?"

    A LARPer wandering around at the beginning of a game.

    "Anyone seen Mr Smith, Mr Smith anyone?"
    [looks at badge]
    "Ah, I'm Mr Smith. Jolly good. Pleased to meet me."

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  17. "Tazrun, don't eat that! You don't know who it's been."

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  18. "A wizard?  I throw my drink at him!"

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  19. "Are you saying that 'Facts of Life' was nothing more than unrequited lesbian love between Blair and Jo?  Now you're just playing with my emotions."

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  20. A what spell?! Ok, fine. So, how many inches is my beard now?

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  21. "I shove my hand through his chest, grab a hold of his spine and use him like a club!"

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  22. Player 1 introducing himself to an NPC in a dungeon: "I am a wealthy traveler."
    Player 2 giving advice: "You shouldn't tell him that."
    Player 1: "Oh.  I am NOT a wealthy traveler."

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  23. "If we do this, many will die.  Maybe even some of the enemy...Is good plan."

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  24. "But I'm an admiral and they're just hobbits!?!"

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  25. Peter V. Dell'OrtoMay 11, 2012 at 12:23 PM

    "We are simple country bandits, pay us no mind."

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  26. CHICKIN BONE NUN-CHUCKS GOOOOOOO!

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  27. "I rub his face with the special pants!"

    (No, it wasn't lewd. The pants seemed to have a poison-resisting ability and a PC had just failed a save vs. a spitting cobra.)

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  28. "I am going to wait for something bad to happen.  When it does, I will make something worse happen."

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  29. To the worshipper of Olidammara: "Can't you equally worship your god by breaking into people's houses and taking their stuff?"

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  30. "Can't you equally worship your god by breaking into people's houses and taking their stuff?"

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  31. "We're going to need more corpses ..."

    (best final words) "I raise the lantern to get a better look."

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  32. "I need you to disguise yourself as a ghost so that you can convince your friends to tell the judge that they're not dead."

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  33. "I'll hold back and cast spells, as I value my testicles."

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  34. "That's OK. This ain't me wipin' hand!"

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  35. From Call of Cthulhu:

    Keeper: A hood is put over your head.
    Player: I turn on my flashlight.

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  36. "Do we have any sides of meat we could give it?"
    "I know one."

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  37. "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

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  38. "Our reincarnations died before us!"

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  39. Upon a paladin using his horse to make an impressive jump. "Hey, it's Medievel Knievel!"

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  40. "HORSE CAN CLIMB LADDERS!"

    "HAH-HAH-HAh-Hah-hah-ha-ah-ha-wha-UH-OH!!"

    "Who-thulu?"

    "If everyone's dead, then who am I still talking to?"

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  41. "I'm here to help, and I'm sorry I killed a third of your people."

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  42.  "Well that's one thing I can cross off my bucket list."

    "Lets go ask the Space Vikings because Vikings are known to  help people."

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  43. "I penetrate the hole with the Handy Penetrator(TM)"

    The Handy Penetrator(TM) was once a 10 foot pole, that was reduced to a 7 foot pole, and then a 5 foot pole. The hand of a corpse was the affixed to the end of the 5 foot pole. Thus creating the Handy Penetrator(TM) -- Patent-Pending.

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  44. You fool! this dungeon wasnt built to keep you out, it was built to keep you in!

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  45. "Oogaa Boogaa Jesus Loves You"

    "How inconvenient Roger, a planet."

    "How many toes do I have again?"

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  46. "...oh, and one more thing, your daughter is a whore."

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  47. Player1: Where's Dwelver?
    NPC: I do not know him
    Player1: We know you work for him. Now, where is he?
    NPC: Really, I do not know him
    Player1: Look, we saw you talking to him.
    NPC: I ... I ... REALLY do not know him

    Player2: Cock-a-doodle-doo!

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  48. "Don't f-ck with the wom-wom!"

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  49. "A Northman seducer?  What does he do, shout 'Brace yourself, Bridget!'?"

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  50. Do beachballs have tentacles?

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  51. "Fuck sea dwarves!"

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  52. Player 1: He'll never expect us to attack again while we're still weakened and out of spells!  Only a fool would do that.
    Player 2: Well, we'll show him!

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  53. Delivered in an over-the-top German accent, "Do you sink ve are maybe jumping zer flint-lock a little bit here?"

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  54. "'the Problem' is instead of assassinating the shogunate you got his cat!"

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  55. Player 1 to player 2.
    "so, you just blew up the top of the tower with a 20 hd fireball... Yes, you killed the assassin, and all the rest of us too while you're safe on the ground"
    Player 1 to DM
    "is there a chance he will get hit in the head with a rock or something?"

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  56. "funny that your cleric only has one arm..."

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  57. "are we fighting now? I wanna fight! I wanna gamble!"

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  58. Fletcher VredenburghMay 11, 2012 at 6:12 PM

    Of course I'm a monk, I went to a seminar.

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  59. "I grab the paralyzed halfling by the back of his belt and use him as a shield against the ghasts!"

    Halfling player, "WHAT?!?"

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  60. "Take the fish out of your ears and be nice to the mushroom people!"

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  61. "Someone is holding a trap in our honor.  It would be rude not to spring it."

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  62. " I wish that my toe nail would turn blue"
    --uttered in order to determine the properties of a magical ring.

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  63. "Soft zombie, Cold zombie,
    Rotting lump of clay -
    Hungry zombie, Creepy zombie,
    Brains, Brains, Brains."

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  64. "Come on... what are you worried about? It's Avernus! It's only the first Hell!"

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  65. Steven ThiviergeMay 11, 2012 at 10:11 PM

    A corpse is a corpse
    Of course, of course
    And no one can talk to a corpse of course.
    But I can talk to a corpse of course
    'cause I cast Speak with Dead!

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  66. "And the hellhound spews forth a gout of hellfire!"

    "Wow. Must be the puppy chow."

    ***

    "It's like tupperware with weapons."

    ***

    "It's anti-matter. It'll hurt but, seriously, for one or two seconds tops. Then...nothing."

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  67.  I'm stealing this. My group is the most trap-shy bunch. It takes half the session just to talk them into even thinking about outsmarting it.

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  68. 'I hit him with the gammon.'

    ...Not the first time a player has mistaken his tavern lunch for a rare type of pole-arm.

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  69. 'I hit him with my gammon.'

    ...Not the first time a player has mistaken his tavern lunch for a rare type of pole-arm.
     

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  70. Reverance PavaneMay 12, 2012 at 9:07 AM

    Hi Ho! Hi Ho!
    It's off to work we go!
    To hack and kill
    Maim and steal
    Hi Ho!  Hi...

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  71. "Well, maybe elves aren't that bad after all..." *deathrattle*

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  72. "I would like to party with this hag."

    "It would be nice at some point to get armor for the back half of my body."

    "Where's the magic hamburger when you need it?"

    "We could make a pile of wolves."

    "Skullface, I don't think we have to fight this goo!"

    (out of character:) "Now that I'm more intimate with the body, do I smell anything?"

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  73. "You have two choices: sodomy or cake."

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  74.  This just made me laugh out loud.

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  75. If you like that, you might enjoy what likely inspired it:

    Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill

    (In Izzard's routine, it's "death or cake".)

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  76. "If everyone else is alive, then who they burying?"

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  77. Fear us you dogs! We're here to burn, rape and pillage... in that order.

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  78. Okay, who put the Death Knight in my bag of holding?

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  79. "I'm sure this abduction has something to do with an evil cult. Let's check the stars for suspicious alignments!"

    *A few moments later*

    "The stars told me to go fishing in this river. Would you mind casting fireball? That way, we can fish AND cook all at the same time!"

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  80. Imperial AdvisorMay 13, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    "He has all the qualities of a person I would hope to one day IMMOLATE."


    "Witness the destructive power of an armed and fully intoxicated Dwarven Battlerager!"

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  81. "so, we enlarge those chickens and grease em up real good. Then we bring out the catapult."

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  82. "Sir, I am not a medical doctor, but it appears that you are on fire."

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  83. "I can trade in my leather armor.  I'm not incontinent, so it's clean."


    "It's not that I'm turned on by her or anything, she's just magical!"

    "I still say we should have burned the human bodies.  Because they were Broken Chain, dead-re-livin' people."

    "Hey!  Stealing is a strong accusation word."

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  84. DM: "You see a gigantic pit filled with some kind of glowing blue-green liquid. It takes up about half of the ro--"
    Player: "I jump into the pool of water."

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  85.  Reminds me of this, but with an extra-cool D&D twist :  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKBYLjRHa4E

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  86. Ok fine rub me with the special pants . . . but use the back of the KNEES.

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  87. "I'm dropping my sword and grabbing my nut!"

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  88. BLAM. BLAM. "Stop." BLAM. BLAM. "Police."

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  89. "We are fish out of water, surrounded by sharks"

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  90. "Sexually transmitted beartraps."

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  91. "FLEE!"
    "I ain't no flea!"

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